How to be an Alien, czyli stereotypowy Brytyjczyk, cz. 2

W dzisiejszej części kilka sarkastycznych uwag Georga Mikes’a na temat pogody, herbaty i seksu w Wielkiej Brytanii.

THE WEATHER
This is the most important topic in the land. Do not be misled by memories of your youth when, on the Continent, wanting to describe someone as exceptionally dull, you remarked: “He is the type who would discuss the weather with you.” In England this is an ever-interesting, even thrilling topic, and you must be good as discussing the weather.
You must never contradict anybody when discussing the weather. Should it hail and snow, should hurricanes uproot the trees from the sides of the road, and should someone remark to you: “Nice day, isn't it?” – answer without hesitation: “Isn't it lovely?”
 
TEA
The trouble with tea is that originally it was quite a good drink. So a group of the most eminent British scientists put their heads together, and made complicated biological experiments to find a way of spoiling it.
They suggested that if you do not drink it clear, or with lemon or rum and sugar, but pour a few drops of cold milk into it, and no sugar at all, the desired object is achieved. Once this refreshing, aromatic, oriental beverage was successfully transformed into colourless and tasteless gargling-water, it suddenly became the national drink of Great Britain and Ireland.
There are some occasions when you must not refuse a cup of tea. If you are invited into an English home, at five o'clock in the morning a cup of tea is brought in by a heartily smiling hostess. You have to declare with your best five o'clock smile: “Thank you so much. I do adore a cup of early morning tea, especially early in the morning.” If they leave you alone with the liquid, you may pour it down the washbasin.
Then you have tea for breakfast; then you have tea at 11 o'clock in the morning; then after lunch; then you have tea for tea; then after supper; and again at 11 o'clock at night.
 
SEX
Continental people have sex life; the English have hot-water bottles.
Glossary
·    beverage – drink
·    gargling liquid– liquid to wash inside the throat and mouth Na podstawie fragmentów książki „How to be an Alien” George’a Mikesa