How to be an Alien, czyli stereotypowy Brytyjczyk, cz. 3

Kolejna odsłona stereotypów na temat cech Brytyjczyków w zabawnym wydaniu.

THE LANGUAGE

When I arrived in England I thought I knew English. After I'd been here an hour I realised that I did not understand one word. In the first week I picked up a tolerable working knowledge of the language and the next seven years convinced me gradually but thoroughly that I would never know it really well, let alone perfectly. This is sad. My only consolation being that nobody speaks English perfectly.
If you live here long enough you will find out to your great amazement that the adjective ‘nice’ is not the only adjective that the language possesses, in spite of the fact that in the first three years you do not need to learn any other adjectives. You can say the weather is nice, a restaurant is nice, Mr. Soandso is nice, Mrs. Soandso's clothes are nice, you had a nice time, and all this will be very nice.
Then you have to decide on your accent. The easiest way to give the impression of having a good accent or no foreign accent is to hold an unlit pipe in your mouth, to mutter between your teeth and finish all your sentences with the question: "isn't it?"
Finally, there are two important points to remember:
   1. Do not forget that it is much easier to write in English than to speak in English, because you can write without a foreign accent.
   2. In a bus and in other public places it is more advisable to speak softly in good German than to shout in abominable English.
QUEUING
An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one. At weekends an Englishman queues up at the bus-stop, travels out to Richmond, queues up for a boat, then queues up for tea, then queues up for ice-cream, the joins a few more odd queues just for the sake of the fun of it, then queues up at the bus-stop and has the time of his life.
HOW TO PLAN A TOWN
You must understand that an English town is a vast conspiracy to mislead foreigners. You have to use century-old little practices and tricks.

1. First of all, never build a street straight.
2. Give a different name to the street whenever it bends.
3. Call streets by various names: street, road, place, mews, crescent, avenue, rise, lane, way, grove, park, gardens, alley, arch, path, walk, broadway, promenade, gate, terrace, vale, view, hill, etc.

PETS
If you go out for a walk with a friend, don't say a word for hours; if you go out for a walk with your dog, keep chatting to him.
 
GLOSSARY:
·    let alone – a co dopiero
·    consolation – pocieszenie
·    mutter – mamrotać
·    abominable – okropny
·    bend – tutaj: skręcać
Na podstawie fragmentów książki „How to be an Alien” George’a Mikesa.